The brain is a lot more powerful than I often realize. This weekend I was in some sort of funk. I was feeling like a complete bum and had little motivation to exercise or eat healthy, which is really unlike me. It all started with an e-mail from my “friend” that I let get to my head and affect me way too much.
The girl and I were best friends in middle school and then she moved away after 8th grade and we’ve kept in touch through e-mails and infrequent visits. I saw her over the summer and just felt like she had changed a lot and we weren’t as close as we used to be. We’ve still kept in touch through e-mail though and I never told her I was feeling uneasy about our friendship. After my sprint triathlon I sent pictures to my family & to her to let them know what I was up to and I was also proud of my accomplishment.
Everyone who I sent the pictures to wrote back with really sweet responses- saying how healthy and happy and fit I look and how proud they are of me. The e-mails made me really happy and I even saved them. This is the response I got back from my “friend”:
Speaking of working out and such… Ashley, I love you to death, and I don’t want you to get mad at me, but I’m worried about you. I definitely think you’ve done a great job with working out and changing your eating habits, but I honestly think you may have lost too much weight at this point. I already told Shane I was kinda worried about how tiny you were when we went to the beach this summer, but when I saw the pictures of you at the triathlon I really got worried. There’s one picture where your hands are really clear, and your hands don’t look like a normal 20 year olds… they look really bony, almost like an elderly persons hands. I’m not saying this to be mean, and I don’t think you’re anorexic or anything by any means, I’m just afraid that maybe you aren’t getting enough protein in your diet or something for the amount of exercise you’re doing. Not only did your hands worry me, but in almost every picture I could see the bones in your arms/shoulders, and not the way it looks on most. The definition of the bones was too clear in my opinion, and like I said I’m not trying to be mean, I’m just worried about you. I love you though, and I really hope you’re not mad at me, I’m just concerned.
Immediately after reading this I broke out into tears. I was just hurt, mostly by the part about my hands. It flashed a picture of myself as an old, wrinkly, skinny anorexic person in my head. It made me felt like I was a freak or had a problem. I see pictures of anorexic people or super skinny celebrities and think “yuck.” I don’t want to look like that and I never started my weight loss to look super skinny. Sure, I wanted to lose weight and be happier with how I looked, but my main focus has always been health. So for someone to tell me I didn’t look healthy really upset me.
My dad and Chris read it and calmed me down, but I couldn’t get it out of my head. I ended up going on a huge binge that night; I’ve never binged like that before and it was not a fun experience. I didn’t let myself feel guilty though and just went to bed and called it a day. I just was surprised at how I acted.
I still haven’t responded to my friend and I don’t know what to think. Our friendship was already tainted in my eyes before and this just made me think she doesn’t really care about me. I understand being concerned and she hasn’t seen me lose the weight on a day-t0-day basis, but to me it just seems like she is jealous or something. She didn’t even congratulate me on my triathlon. I know deep down I’m healthy and don’t have a problem, it just made me mad and sad how she put it. I don’t know, but I really never thought I would be that hurt that someone said I was skinny. I always heard it’s just as bad to call someone skinny as it is fat, but I never understood it. Now I do.
I feel better since everyone’s reassured me that I look fine and am healthy and doing it right. My friend is probably the one who actually has a problem because she eats a ton of junk and has a big stomach and people often ask her if she’s pregnant. I’ve re-read the e-mail a few times and don’t think it was as bad as when I first read it & I even looked at the pictures again to see what she was talking about and see if maybe I really am too skinny. The pictures I think she’s talking about my hands actually do make them look really freaky. After the bike ride it was freezing and raining and my hands were absolutely numb, so in the pictures they are vain-y and bony and don’t normally look like that. It’s a funny picture to begin with:
Anyways, sorry I just had to get that off my chest. Anybody have any thoughts or similar experiences?
On to happier things… I ran the farthest I’ve ever ran today! 8. 25 miles! I planned on doing 6-7 miles and felt good so kept going. I kept thinking how it’s all in the mind, my body was fine and I just kept going. I really want to do a 1/2 marathon in Laguna Hills on memorial day but the things holding me back right now are are pretty much all fears. It’s 55 bucks which is kinda a lot just to run, but I really loved the tri experience and would love to do another race. I’m scared of not being able to finish, getting tired of running while training, or hurting myself from trying to do too much. I think I should get beyond those fears though and today showed me that I physically can do it (most likely) and will have 7 weeks to improve my mileage. It would be awesome if I could run 13.1 miles because I feel so great that I ran 8.25 straight and never thought I would have been able to do that in my life.
Oh and since I originally intended this to be a food blog, here’s some of my food pictures from the last few days 😛
Love the bowl like Tina’s!
That’s all for now, until I decide to randomly post again 🙂